New beginnings

I love the freshness of a new year. Fifty minutes left in this year though we've watched the ball drop so it feels like 2016. This year I hope for far less sugar, more order, more exercise, less screens, more balance, less "drama". The only way to make this happen is to make it happen. Let's start with sleep. 

For the record, I hate food. At least I feel like I hate food. Or at least the kind of food I've been eating. Yuck. I'm sure PMS has it's roll to play but I feel crabby, exhausted, did I mention crabby? My weight, ya, right back how it was. Why oh why can't I live sugar free? I fear it will take some trauma or outside fear of some kind to make a lasting change. I feel like fasting all day tomorrow. I doubt I will. 

How much of failure is determined by mindset?

I had a dream last night I had a huge nasty sugary orange Icee sorta drink. It was awful. I didn't want it but there it was in front of me. and then I was looking down at a huge pizza and I planned to eat the whole thing. I had resolved. I only ate one piece before i woke up. I think I'm just nervous about staff lunch today and not wanting to stand out and not wanting peer pressure to eat junk either. And last night I took Ray to Grooveberries and had a few spoonfuls of her melted sugar mess that she couldn't eat.

the struggle, mostly ebbs

Two weeks and a day into the detox.
I can't say the struggle is gone but if it ebbs and flows, it mostly ebbs.
The only cheats so far have been a fruit or two above the alloted daily one.
A few bites of organic pasta, a little ranch a handful of times, mayo in tuna or chicken salad, a little homemade granola (with honey). Oh and that one time I rinsed out the empty organic maple syrup bottle with hot water and drank it. That was good.

Not bad I think. I do love the freedom from desserts and sugar. cakes, cookies, don't even tempt me.
I don't want the mental/emotional/physical craze it puts me in to. Not worth it!!!
And the energy spikes after sugar, it's so nice not to have.

I do want chocolate sometimes. I put a chocolate chip in my mouth once and spit it out.
chocolate is powerfully good.
I'd like to never go back, never.
I suppose other cheats according to our "rules" - I sometimes have a few organic corn tortilla chips and a piece of Ezekial bread toast.

A whole new world, a dazzling place I've never been

Two days of detox down and I could not be happier.
I love not having sugar. I feel free. I see cookies and it's not even a tempation
because it's predetermined, it's decided,  i'm not going to have it.
The cravings appeared to stop instantly. My sugar levels have been very balanced.
I biked to the Kroc today and swam for half hour and biked home.
My legs/knees/ankles are sore and I may never bike it again but I'm glad I did.
11+ miles biking total.
Made a shake tonight with a little heavy cream, some half and half, 3 bananas, cocoa powder, teeny bit of vanilla extract, organic natural peanut butter, ice cubes. It looked JUST like the chocolate frosty the kids were eating.
blah blah blah, nothing really worth noting other than to say, I'd like to go the rest of my life without sugar.
I'm much happier without it.
I hope I stay "dry". I couldn't even be a social "drinker".
side secret story - a 'friend' spent the weekend in jail cause of a repeat offense DUI. the friend knew they had an alcohol addiction but thought they'd be able to socially drink. truth is, I'm thinking they should stay dry for life. and it hit me, I should probably stay "dry" (sugar-free) for life. I don't think i can handle it. A little taste one day, seems so innocent and it's only time till lunch is cookies and dinner is brownies. Freedom comes with boundaries.
I thought of this yesterday when i went to see my son at the playground and he seemed a mile away in a far far corner with friends by the fence. Clear boundaries allow for freedom to enjoy the whole playground. I've heard how kids on playgrounds without boundaries all stay closer in and don't venture out because the boundaries aren't clear.
blah blah blah, enough for now.
I'm very happy.

Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all

Unless it's sugar, maybe.
Well, detox it is and detox it needs to be.
It isn't a first, but would be great if it were a last.
I need to detox. badly. eating cookies and donuts for actual meals instead of real food.
It's outta control!
I'm looking forward to doing this under the direction of Jessica Campbell with food foundations.
21 days starting Monday the 21rst.
I'm as big as ever. I hate to think I'll go down #30 or more and be right back here in 6 months but maybe that's better than just staying here or potentially going higher?
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things that i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
What a great prayer. I may have to cling to this a bunch.
The truth is, sugar does a have an incredible hold on me. It is my master. I want to be free. I want to not be under it's hold again. I cannot go it alone. I know there is hope. though it seems impossible at the moment.
I'm getting a year membership to our Kroc today.
I do fantasize about living in a poverished country where exercise is ridiculous because life is exercise and food is sparce and non-gmo and advertising doesn't exist or screens at all for the matter. Life is just that, life. Not as complicated. Closer to dependancy on our Creator. "Yes husband, the life expectancy is half there what it is here." but is it really living if its rush rush rush,eat eat eat, feel sick, underslept, busy busy, ungratified? Maybe half a life gratified is better than a whole life unfulfilled? Thats enough ranting for one day.

to detox or not to detox

The options...
1. Remain as is, attempting to not eat sweets, failing miserably, suffering shame and mood swings and moving progressively higher on the scale and clothes sizes.
2. Get serious about trying harder (already attempted countless times) and most likely failing as that is at a 100% rate of failure so far.
3. Detox - for real detox. Again. This has been successful when I've attempted it though I eventually quit but it was very successful when it lasted and it offered me hope.

If sugar is really 8 times the addictive quality as crack/cocaine no wonder it's so hard!
If this is even a totally false statistic, it's still, really hard to change.
The envy comes in right now because a heroine addict is capable of removing the drug from their life longtime when they are free from the addiction however....
A sugar addict or recovering sugar addict will ALWAYS have their "drug" right under their noses, for the most part, for the rest of their life! unless they go live in the woods apart from normal social interactions.
None the less, I fear the only option is a detox. a total and true detox.
How to make a detox a life long way.
I don't know.
Before, it helped me to think of myself as a type of sugar sensitivity almost like a peanut allergy in that it causes negative things to occur in my body and needs to be avoided in order to be healthy.

Now I KNOW freedom is possible. Lifelong, for real freedom, but it's not easy.
I'm considering Jessica Campbells detox, starting Sept 21.
I think, no, i know the key to success, at least for me, is accountability/comraderie.

Bike update, I've been biking almost every night still with the kids and it's been really really nice.

Night Biking deserves a quiet night

We're (the 7 and 10 year olds) getting more familiar with biking and thoroughly enjoying it.
I got us front and back lights and put them on the three bikes and we had a very fun night bike ride. Probably about 3.5 miles but pitch black by the time we got home. very fun.

Even so, I'm plagued by the mere existance of sugar. I lovate it. Love/Hate it.
How i could live a happy 60 more years without ever having a hint of it again.
Oh how i wish.
As you know if you've read any of this, I've tried so many times and ways to eat well.
South Beach, Daniel Plan, low carb, on and on and on.
Dropping carbs overnight does really drop the weight very quick and excitedly but is it really good to alter your aging metabolism that way? I gain it back everytime. I'm not convinced no carb is the best. One reason is cause I feed these 200 asian people for a weekend every year.  They eat like nobodies business. For real. They eat and eat and eat and eat some more and tons of rice.  At every meal, tons of rice. And they are all skinny little minnies. Now I understand God made us all different and we as a culture may have bad metabolisms. Other than being hopelessly lazy and overstuffed on processed and gmo foods, I'm still not convinced no/low carb is the answer. But maybe closer to health than we are now, yes. I'd like to try no sugar. But keep carbs like rice, potatoes, ezekial bread (cause of no sugar). This would of course always include no sweetner.  limited organic maple syrup, potentially a little honey. preferably no white flour gmo stuff.  But, desires and reality are worlds seperated sometimes. How i wish it was easy. move the focus off of food and on to God? He is the answer after all. Keep your eyes focused on Him. Not on the things of earth. don't worry about what you will eat,etc etc. Help me God, Help me.

39 in 2 hours

Welp, I turn 39 tomorrow. I'd love to go off sugar again but is it realistic. really? The last time i went off sugar it was on my husbands birthday. only seems fitting I'd do it on my birthday however there has been no real forsight or planning for it. I'm looking forward to the "That Sugar Film" out of Australia coming to theaters on July 31, 2015. I sincerely wonder and hope and am fairly certain it will help open the eyes to the sugar epidemic in our nation. Many many people realize it but I think there are still plenty people out there that are fairly clueless. What would my rules be if i went sugar free tomorrow? Does Organic Maple syrup count? That seems so pure and of the earth. hmmmmmm.....  it would also spike my levels making it hard to comply with sugar free.  Artificial sweetner free is easy for me. Splenda, aspartame, nutrisweet, who cares it's all fake and confusing the senses and body chemistry.  I'm SO SAD for those hooked on the fake stuff. I think it's bad stuff.  Not that real sugar is any better. Its just different. So, sugar free tomorrow, I have a feeling any sugar detox plan would say eliminate even bananas and higher "sugar" foods so as to cut the cravings cold turkey. But I don't know. Eliminating sugars even in fresh fruits and vegetables seems potentially too drastic. again, altering body chemistry. So many books talk about slowly adding that stuff back in later but I don't' think so. It makes me fall off the wagon so how about i just keep it in from the begining. Maybe horrible advice. who knows. I hope to someday have the right answer to really help people in need  of breaking the sugar habit and maybe these mental gymnastic struggles will have paid off. So, will I do a sugar detox. I don't know yet. I rather not commit only to fail in day one. I'd rather not commit and yet succeed though I now eating right will never happen by "accident". I'll keep processing. I've got a few hours.  And will keep you posted.  For the record, tonight, I saw the highest I've ever seen on a scale. Ready for a change. Always ready for a change but is a lasting one ever actually plausible/possible. hmmmmmm.

self-loathing commence

night time. Night time I feel the worst.
I generally always start the day great.
however today started with 2 chocolate chip cookies. I should have known it was gonna be a day.
I get crazy but NEVER like that! I'm good in the mornings.
Well, for dinner, though i wasn't even hungry for food at eating time cause I'd eaten my way through my day, I ate an entire large herb chicken mediterranean pizza from papa murphys, by my self! I wasn't even hungry?!?!
And i feel so incredibly crappy.
As much as a i love food, i hate it.

on a different note, I promise you, if someone talks bad to you about someone else, it will not be long till they are talking bad about you to someone else. I promise.

Reckless Relapse

What the?
Bad day. bad bad day.Why??
Started good. Days always start good. I never wake up and say, I'm gonna eat sweets now.
no no, it starts out great but then I get the flavor, the feel, the longing, give me sugar!!!! More More More!!!
 So, I usually I am fine saying no to the big warm homemade camp cookies but today I thought oh i'll nibble one. after that giant cookie and another giant cookie were gone I moved on to the snickerdoodle bars. Then the cupcake from my 7 year olds cupcake decorating class which had enough frosting for a sheet pan! Ice cream, granola bars dipped in peanut butter, processed tyson chicken patties on nice fluffy white buns, multiple chicken sandwiches with fry sauce spread on them. Dark chocolate bar, ginger snap cookies, marshmellows, whatever I could get my hands on.
What the?!
If I'm going down a bad road then lets just go down it, you know what I mean?
but why? Our country is inundated with yummy/death inducing foods.
Is hope possible? Really? Is it no sugar of any kind ever? That doesn't seem to make sense at all. That doesn't feel feasible for a lifestyle but any little TASTE of sugar and I'm outta control!
maybe hormonal? spiritual? emotional? stress eating?
If my house were clean I might eat better. If I excercised regularly I might eat better.
if i lived in a foreign country with no access to sugar i'd eat better. there has to be another way right?
Jesus  help me. Help me. help me.
I'm literally 11 pounds away from my husband and I'm so not ok with that. We were 90 pounds apart when we were married.
he tried south beach like 12 years ago but thats the ONLY kind of dietary restriction I think he's ever tried.
Help me Jesus.
I know there is hope.
I know there is.
Help me.

Ding Ding Ding

I'm back in the fight. Round, who knows?
I'm as high or higher in weight than I've ever been! CRAZY!
My husband remains the same weight for the almost 18 years we've been married.
And he doesn't do these cutting all carbs or sugars etc diets.
Is this just the joy of being woman?
Well, I strongly dislike this eating well, losing 7-30 pounds and gaining it all back over and over and over again but I certainly can't keep  climbing which is what I'll do if I don't do something.
So.... I weighed in at  207' at the doctors this past week.
Why do i post my weight? Why do I blog and not do some private journal on dropbox?
i have truly no idea.  i don't know how to delete a blog so here i go.

My current "new" plan.
I'm having a routine blood draw tomorrow to test for the normal stuff, cholesterol, etc.
After the blood drawer, I'm aiming for whole food plant based diet stuff.
I will eat meat, egg, dairy occassionally but really focus on plants.
I will then try to reschedule another blood draw and see if numbers change.
What do you think?
I'm also going to try to increase exercise. Nothing major. I don't want any of this to be overly major because i want it to be doable.

Bloomsday is a week from today. That'll be fun.
I'm glad to have a week of good eating before it starts.

We had a gluttonous $50 dinner at Golden Corral.
I decided to eat what I wanted and not think about the cost to body, mind and wallet
but rather to enjoy my precious family and the time we had to be together.
I also plan to increase water consumption.
A gallon a day is ridiculous though. I think.

I never want to eat out again!

And I mean it!
The family went out to texas roadhouse because we had a free kids meal thing.
Why did i order and eat the bloomin onion!?And several rolls with the sweet butter?
I didn't even want dinner!
And we spent SO MUCH MONEY!!
I felt...dirty. I went the bathroom and felt like an alcholic who had just gotten drunk, yet AGAIN.
Like could I go potty enough to allow me more room to eat when I get back to the table.
Disgusting. Gluttonous. Awful! yet it feels so "normal" in our current society.
I would have loved to have spent the $50 on soccer goals for the kids and had a picnic at the park.
UGH!
My 13 year old gets in the car and finishes her dinner that was in the doggie bag. She announces that moving around allowed her more room to fit more food in.
REALLY!?!?! This is what we're training and teaching and modeling for our kids?
This is what we are showing them we do!?
I want it to end. I want it to end NOW. I want it to end years ago.
Is it hopeless? Am I helpless?

I feel sick...

Hopeless, sick and sad.
Ate an incredible amount of Costco Cheese pizza.
And then had some more and a little bit more.
Everything was fine till the $1.50 kids hot chocolate with peppermint syrup from Dutch Bros. on the way home.  
That put me WAY over the top.
I've wished I could barf ever since but haven't.
I drank it 4 hours ago!
i'm crabby, I'm irritable. I'm highly uncomfortable.
I can't even lay in bed so I'm sitting up. Ugh.  Why? Really just so I can taste it on my taste buds
or have my brain receptors fire happy feelings for 5 minutes?!
I'm back to 200 for the umpteenth time.
Feeling like there really isn't hope.
Sure my husband might be a few pounds overweight but they are the same few pounds he's been carrying for half his life!
I've been on and off eating styles for 15 years and it's gotten me ONLY worse.
Some say it's all about exercise. Some say it's not at all about exercise but rather what you eat.
I love food. WAY too much. I daydream about, plan it, think about it, like a silly obsession and yet I pretend it's normal. it's not normal.
But if I got this "crutch" under control wouldn't some other crutch just rear its ugly head and the monster in the open is less scary than the monster unseen?
How to get motivated? I want to walk, bike, swim, hike, eat well.
I feel powerless to change.
My friend is supposedly dying. She went to the hospital Wednesday with shortness of breath. Friday they told her she had stage 4 cancer and only months to live.
I'm not happy. not at all. 
I know without doubt, God can heal her instantly of the countless tumors growing in her chest, bones and body. My dearest friend even admitted it'd give her something to think about in the faith realm if my friend was healed. Oh Lord let it be.  John 11 shows me how you healed Lazarus that God would be glorified. Oh God be glorified and heal my friend. 
Set us free from the cravings of this world.
May we run after you and you alone. Make us passionate after you.
Meditation. Ah Glorious Meditation. The very thing that keeps the blood in our veins running pure.
Yet we can find anything in the world to do but it.
Today I read, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed but if it dies and it regrows into many many seeds. Praise you God. Use us.
Die to self, Live for God.
So that others may know.
Love Lysa Terkeurst in her Made to Crave and The Best Yes.
Richard Foster in Celebration of Discipline is nothing short of life-changing and mandatory in this life.
God, empty my stomach and empty me that I may only be filled with the good things of you and from you.
Tell me when to fly home to Ohio to be with my dear friend.
May Lukes surgery be quick with his laser tongue tie tomorrow morning. Heal the finger with the pins in his right index finger. Bring John and Fay safetly home from Antarctica and Hawaii, refreshing their love and marriage. Give Teresa and Bryan your energy and focus and wisdom and deep deep sleep. Use me to heal and encouarage and set free through your power and for your glory. Show me how to live according to your will.  Keep Tim and I stronger in you than ever and forever. Speak to him.Heal him.

is there really hope?

I am glad to report i made it successfully through Thanksgiving AND Christmas. Maybe 5 times in 2 full months I had some sort of small sweetner or sugar that was in something. It really almost felt easy. But two months in, past the holidays and travel home to Ohio, it lost its fun.  I started making a concoction which followed the rules of NO added sweetners or sugars however it was sweet.  Organic Unsweetened applesauce, cacao nibs, raisins,  oats, organice no sugar peanut butter.  I mixed this together when I needed a "fix" and suddenly I was making it a couple times a day or more.  I also discovered organic, no sugar added figs!!  FIGS!! Ya Baby, after being without sugar, this little babies were heavenly!! It was a downard spiral from there and I slowly began letting bits of sugar, especially chocolate back in.  Now more than 2 months after I reintroduced sugar, I feel like a pile of hopeless shambles. My weight is back in the 197-200 range. Almost highest ever. Stinky. Dark Chocolate Coconut  covered almonds. Oh baby. I can eat a lot of handfuls consectively. Pizza? Oh Ya. So so so so good. 
Is there hope? Truly? I've lost 20-30 pounds, what? 5, 6, 7 times in the last 20 years. It always comes back.  Always. Whats the point? My husband doesn't change his diet or go on diets or withold foods from himself.  He's the same as ever. He's barely fluctuated in 20 years.  Am i the crazy one? Whats the answer? A dear precious woman friend of mine is the hospital. Word is she has lots of tumors. Could be cancerous. She could die. Inconclusive at this point till more results come back. Why? What is making us all so sick? It seems to be everywhere!!! is it the sugar, gmo, monsanto, gluten, fat? ugh. I wish we could live in a foreign country with only rice and beans and only once or twice a day. I KNOW I'm not alone. i know the bulk of the population is with me! Our country seems great but maybe is a little too great. Well, just thought I'd catch up on how things are going.