I feel sick...

Hopeless, sick and sad.
Ate an incredible amount of Costco Cheese pizza.
And then had some more and a little bit more.
Everything was fine till the $1.50 kids hot chocolate with peppermint syrup from Dutch Bros. on the way home.  
That put me WAY over the top.
I've wished I could barf ever since but haven't.
I drank it 4 hours ago!
i'm crabby, I'm irritable. I'm highly uncomfortable.
I can't even lay in bed so I'm sitting up. Ugh.  Why? Really just so I can taste it on my taste buds
or have my brain receptors fire happy feelings for 5 minutes?!
I'm back to 200 for the umpteenth time.
Feeling like there really isn't hope.
Sure my husband might be a few pounds overweight but they are the same few pounds he's been carrying for half his life!
I've been on and off eating styles for 15 years and it's gotten me ONLY worse.
Some say it's all about exercise. Some say it's not at all about exercise but rather what you eat.
I love food. WAY too much. I daydream about, plan it, think about it, like a silly obsession and yet I pretend it's normal. it's not normal.
But if I got this "crutch" under control wouldn't some other crutch just rear its ugly head and the monster in the open is less scary than the monster unseen?
How to get motivated? I want to walk, bike, swim, hike, eat well.
I feel powerless to change.
My friend is supposedly dying. She went to the hospital Wednesday with shortness of breath. Friday they told her she had stage 4 cancer and only months to live.
I'm not happy. not at all. 
I know without doubt, God can heal her instantly of the countless tumors growing in her chest, bones and body. My dearest friend even admitted it'd give her something to think about in the faith realm if my friend was healed. Oh Lord let it be.  John 11 shows me how you healed Lazarus that God would be glorified. Oh God be glorified and heal my friend. 
Set us free from the cravings of this world.
May we run after you and you alone. Make us passionate after you.
Meditation. Ah Glorious Meditation. The very thing that keeps the blood in our veins running pure.
Yet we can find anything in the world to do but it.
Today I read, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed but if it dies and it regrows into many many seeds. Praise you God. Use us.
Die to self, Live for God.
So that others may know.
Love Lysa Terkeurst in her Made to Crave and The Best Yes.
Richard Foster in Celebration of Discipline is nothing short of life-changing and mandatory in this life.
God, empty my stomach and empty me that I may only be filled with the good things of you and from you.
Tell me when to fly home to Ohio to be with my dear friend.
May Lukes surgery be quick with his laser tongue tie tomorrow morning. Heal the finger with the pins in his right index finger. Bring John and Fay safetly home from Antarctica and Hawaii, refreshing their love and marriage. Give Teresa and Bryan your energy and focus and wisdom and deep deep sleep. Use me to heal and encouarage and set free through your power and for your glory. Show me how to live according to your will.  Keep Tim and I stronger in you than ever and forever. Speak to him.Heal him.

is there really hope?

I am glad to report i made it successfully through Thanksgiving AND Christmas. Maybe 5 times in 2 full months I had some sort of small sweetner or sugar that was in something. It really almost felt easy. But two months in, past the holidays and travel home to Ohio, it lost its fun.  I started making a concoction which followed the rules of NO added sweetners or sugars however it was sweet.  Organic Unsweetened applesauce, cacao nibs, raisins,  oats, organice no sugar peanut butter.  I mixed this together when I needed a "fix" and suddenly I was making it a couple times a day or more.  I also discovered organic, no sugar added figs!!  FIGS!! Ya Baby, after being without sugar, this little babies were heavenly!! It was a downard spiral from there and I slowly began letting bits of sugar, especially chocolate back in.  Now more than 2 months after I reintroduced sugar, I feel like a pile of hopeless shambles. My weight is back in the 197-200 range. Almost highest ever. Stinky. Dark Chocolate Coconut  covered almonds. Oh baby. I can eat a lot of handfuls consectively. Pizza? Oh Ya. So so so so good. 
Is there hope? Truly? I've lost 20-30 pounds, what? 5, 6, 7 times in the last 20 years. It always comes back.  Always. Whats the point? My husband doesn't change his diet or go on diets or withold foods from himself.  He's the same as ever. He's barely fluctuated in 20 years.  Am i the crazy one? Whats the answer? A dear precious woman friend of mine is the hospital. Word is she has lots of tumors. Could be cancerous. She could die. Inconclusive at this point till more results come back. Why? What is making us all so sick? It seems to be everywhere!!! is it the sugar, gmo, monsanto, gluten, fat? ugh. I wish we could live in a foreign country with only rice and beans and only once or twice a day. I KNOW I'm not alone. i know the bulk of the population is with me! Our country seems great but maybe is a little too great. Well, just thought I'd catch up on how things are going.